Funny story… breaking news

So, here’s a weird bit of scandalous information I’ve been hanging onto for a few months…

It involves one of my tourmates, a sadomasochistic fetish community, and a prominent conservative politician you may know.  Titillated?  READ ON.

Earlier this year, after playing an afternoon show in Chicago,  the tour i was on found itself in a pretty posh hotel, with no show scheduled for the next day.  This was our first night off in weeks, and everyone was pumped as we got there.

I arrive at the hotel on a mission to zone out.  Got some pizza.  Got some laundry to do.  Got my bag out of the van and I’m about to head upstairs.

Briefly, I notice that one of my tourmates, we’ll call him Grunge 65 le sac bastid, has struck up a conversation over cigarettes with a girl sitting on a bench outside.  I leave the two of them there and head in.

Focused on pizza and laundry.  Walking quickly through the lobby.  Only vaguely aware of anything unusual going on when I see a girl walk by in some dominatrix gear.  There’s bound to be at least one dominatrix in any big city hotel lobby, I’m guessing.  No big deal.

Sitting on a stool in front of the elevators is an heavy-set, 50 year old woman in a nurse costume with fishnet stockings.  She’s holding a clipboard and makes too much eye contact as I approach.  Why not.  Get on the elevator and head up to my room.

About an hour goes by, and my tourmate, who I’m sharing the room with, hasn’t come up to the room since we unloaded the van.  I’m thinking, “ya dawg.”  My pizza is in my belly.  I’m chilling and checking emails.

Suddenly, Grunge 65 le sac bastid comes barreling into the room, clearly fucked up and also stoned.

“Dude.  Dude.”

“Haha… what happened?”

“That girl?  That girl I was smoking the cigarette with?  She’s here with some kind of  S&M convention.  We just smoked a lot of weed in her car, and then I followed her into a conference room where a naked chick was suspended from the ceiling by ropes.  She just invited me to the gang bang in room 503!  Apparently room 402 is completely covered in plastic tarps and there’s a shitload of people in there pissing on each other!”

Yikes.

To make a long story short, Grunge 65 le sac bastid proceeded to have a long night of weird experiences with this girl, which may or may not have included a trip to the piss & slide.

HOWEVER,

The really weird part of this story was told to me the next morning.

Paraphrasing G65lscbastids’ account:

“I’m out in front of the hotel smoking a cigarette with this girl, and suddenly I see a black limo pull up.  Out of the hotel comes a guy that I saw earlier, in the suspension demonstration.  He looks vaguely familiar, and suddenly the limo makes me remember where I’ve seen him before.  He’s your ambassador to the UN…”

me: “JOHN BOLTON?!”

“Yeah, yeah that’s him.  So I asked the girl you know… ‘is he a member of your group?’ and she says ‘well we’re supposed to protect everyone’s names and be anonymous, but yeah.  he’s really into bondage.  teaches classes on it sometimes.'”

Another interesting bit of info obtained from this girl, was the fact that this whole S&M community is apparently made up of white Republicans.  Earlier in the night she’d hinted at the fact that the community was an “exclusive group,” (i.e. that no black person would ever be allowed to join it.)

So, there you have it.  As told to me by Grunge 65 le sac bastid:

John Bolton, the controversial former US Ambassador to the UN, belongs to an racist republican S&M community, and is something of an expert in bondage.

For those who need a refresher on who John Bolton is and was, check the attached video.

So you see, this isn’t earth shattering news.  Not front page of Knowmore.org material, but eyebrow raising nonetheless.  Blog-worthy maybe.  I hope your eyebrows were raised.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuqNWG9sbuE[/youtube]

p.s. I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking it’s hypocritical of me to put John Bolton on blast while protecting the identity of my tourmate.   To which I’d say, get lost Timberlake.