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Funny story… breaking news

So, here’s a weird bit of scandalous information I’ve been hanging onto for a few months…

It involves one of my tourmates, a sadomasochistic fetish community, and a prominent conservative politician you may know.  Titillated?  READ ON.

Earlier this year, after playing an afternoon show in Chicago,  the tour i was on found itself in a pretty posh hotel, with no show scheduled for the next day.  This was our first night off in weeks, and everyone was pumped as we got there.

I arrive at the hotel on a mission to zone out.  Got some pizza.  Got some laundry to do.  Got my bag out of the van and I’m about to head upstairs.

Briefly, I notice that one of my tourmates, we’ll call him Grunge 65 le sac bastid, has struck up a conversation over cigarettes with a girl sitting on a bench outside.  I leave the two of them there and head in.

Focused on pizza and laundry.  Walking quickly through the lobby.  Only vaguely aware of anything unusual going on when I see a girl walk by in some dominatrix gear.  There’s bound to be at least one dominatrix in any big city hotel lobby, I’m guessing.  No big deal.

Sitting on a stool in front of the elevators is an heavy-set, 50 year old woman in a nurse costume with fishnet stockings.  She’s holding a clipboard and makes too much eye contact as I approach.  Why not.  Get on the elevator and head up to my room.

About an hour goes by, and my tourmate, who I’m sharing the room with, hasn’t come up to the room since we unloaded the van.  I’m thinking, “ya dawg.”  My pizza is in my belly.  I’m chilling and checking emails.

Suddenly, Grunge 65 le sac bastid comes barreling into the room, clearly fucked up and also stoned.

“Dude.  Dude.”

“Haha… what happened?”

“That girl?  That girl I was smoking the cigarette with?  She’s here with some kind of  S&M convention.  We just smoked a lot of weed in her car, and then I followed her into a conference room where a naked chick was suspended from the ceiling by ropes.  She just invited me to the gang bang in room 503!  Apparently room 402 is completely covered in plastic tarps and there’s a shitload of people in there pissing on each other!”


To make a long story short, Grunge 65 le sac bastid proceeded to have a long night of weird experiences with this girl, which may or may not have included a trip to the piss & slide.


The really weird part of this story was told to me the next morning.

Paraphrasing G65lscbastids’ account:

“I’m out in front of the hotel smoking a cigarette with this girl, and suddenly I see a black limo pull up.  Out of the hotel comes a guy that I saw earlier, in the suspension demonstration.  He looks vaguely familiar, and suddenly the limo makes me remember where I’ve seen him before.  He’s your ambassador to the UN…”


“Yeah, yeah that’s him.  So I asked the girl you know… ‘is he a member of your group?’ and she says ‘well we’re supposed to protect everyone’s names and be anonymous, but yeah.  he’s really into bondage.  teaches classes on it sometimes.'”

Another interesting bit of info obtained from this girl, was the fact that this whole S&M community is apparently made up of white Republicans.  Earlier in the night she’d hinted at the fact that the community was an “exclusive group,” (i.e. that no black person would ever be allowed to join it.)

So, there you have it.  As told to me by Grunge 65 le sac bastid:

John Bolton, the controversial former US Ambassador to the UN, belongs to an racist republican S&M community, and is something of an expert in bondage.

For those who need a refresher on who John Bolton is and was, check the attached video.

So you see, this isn’t earth shattering news.  Not front page of material, but eyebrow raising nonetheless.  Blog-worthy maybe.  I hope your eyebrows were raised.


p.s. I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking it’s hypocritical of me to put John Bolton on blast while protecting the identity of my tourmate.   To which I’d say, get lost Timberlake.

Feb 22

An open letter to Justin Timberlake.

Justin Timberlake you cocksucker,
Someone oughta open your pretty face with a boxcutter.
Caucasoid boy wonder.
Smug prince of pop culture.
How many dollars did you plunder copying moves from Usher?
You discovered Michael’s routines like a modern Columbus.
You’ve got a squadron of publicists.
They keep you in the gym doing lots of squats and crunches,
to distract us from the fact that your adams apple is HUMONGOUS.
Pencil neck.
Your adams apple looks like an elbow.
My testicles crawl into my body when you sing in a falsetto.
Your awkward bobble head,
all stiff and off tempo…
I digress though.

You met britney at like seven years old.
Back when you were kickin reggae flows
on the after school minstrel show.
Where parents go to pimp their kids for dough
You were the best poodle in show
with your two tone bowl cut jerry curl
and cheek bones.
You were jealous of Britney
Because she learned the steps quickly!
While you were trippin on your big feet
developing acne…
She was the magnificent innocent
natural pageant queen All-American aryan Cleopatra at 17
Young queen on the throne
Catholic school girl in heat, cover of Rolling Stone
certified diamond first week platinum
while you were singing backups with JC and Joey Fatone!
Blowing coke with Lance Bass in a backstage bathroom!
So when her comet came around the second time
you latched on…
And kept her on your arm for as long as she was in fashion…

You attained
the unattainableness
that had been her main attraction.
Cameras snap and lift your stature
but her image had been captured.
Cropped copied and plastered photos reproduce themselves…
Recorded & mastered vocals effected to boost her skills…
Removing her voice from her… choreographed and sculpted…
Speech and daily routine orchestrated and studied…
is trying to be her husband!
The girl is TWENTY ONE, Jus!
Ease up off her nuts!

Go your seperate ways, stay cool and remain friends
don’t try to own her.
Just be glad for what you had
and be happy to know her!
Consider yourself
STUNNINGLY LUCKY in light of the fact that you look like a rattlesnake
trying to swallow a boulder!

Instead you write a hundred hate anthems in the sky,
and throw a teenage angst tantrum at the age of 25.
Justin Timberlake you cocksucker
i hope you die.
You ratted on Janet Jackson!
You told a radio station that Britney’s package was unwrapped?!!
I hope your plane crashes.
I hope you live in chronic pain.
I hope a groupie splashes acid in your face
and you contract aids.
I hope usher kills you in a fit of black rage.

I hope you sit in a hospital bed
with your head completely shaved
sober for the first time in days
an alien in your skin, held down by restraints
while on the tv, the song about you plays
and arenas full of people sing you to your grave
as they sway to the beat and the lazer light display
Justin Timberlake, i hope you feel yourself fade.

“I’m a …. sllaavvee for you”


Holler at your boy Jus.  I’m coming for you.  I will be here forever.  Forever and ever.  It’s on.  It’s on forever and ever.



Wait for it… the gold is around 1:20.

Feb 17 Rage Against the Machine vs. the RNC

Firing this off before heading out for Knowmore representing at the Web 2.0 conference in NY tomorrow… after which I’ll drive back home and take off for Madison, WI. Tour starts wednesday!

Rage Against the Machine and Ripple Effect:
Eyewitness Report & Interview With Organizer Jim Forrey

Report by B. Dolan
Photos: Jonathon Hoffner
Special to the Blog


Jan 13

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