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Bandini
WIZARD APPRENTICE


Joined: 01 Jul 2002
Posts: 4669
Location: jerk city
Scientists?  Reply with quote  

I'm wondering if there are any scientists on this board who would be interested in working with me on a project I've been kicking around for a few years. It's called the Shart Alarm, and it's just that: an alarm that warns of impending sharts.

I think all too often people underestimate a fart, only to discover it is a shart. How often do you find yourself in a meeting, at a wedding, on a date, or in another sensitive place or time, when, all of a sudden, a fart becomes a shart situation? All too often, in my personal experience. And I know what you're thinking: "Everyone poops in their underwears sometimes. It's not a big deal just wipe it off you dummy." That's all fine and dandy, but sometimes you cant excuse yourself from the room to wipe off your underwear. For instance, I think the Shart Alarm would be very popular with game show contestants.

It would work by inserting a an oven-in thermometer like device, which would monitor temperature, moisture, methane levels and anything else that would indicate a shart (I havent done a ton of research into shart conditions, so will definitely need help from scientists in this regard). The devise would then transmit the data up the cord and into backpack. I'm not sure what all the backpack would contain (again need help from scientists here) but I figure it would roughly be the size of the backpacks worn by the Ghostbusters.

Once shart levels are reached, the device would loudly sound "SHART WARNING! SHART WARNING!" indicating the impending shart. The people around you would also hear the warning (I would think that in their minds they would see you had the good sense to equip yourself with a Shart Alarm), but if you wanted to be nondescript you could plug in headphones to the devise (backpack part). There could also be a rotating red light on the backpack and an automatic scent spay to neutralize any preceding farts.

I've had a bit of difficulty raising capital for the Shart Alarm, so I dont really have any money to pay scientists. But I can offer stock in the Shart Alarm. I've gotten some really good feedback from people on the idea. Eric Dyson actually responded to one of my letters saying I should follow my dreams, which I found really encouraging despite Dyson's apparent disinterest in funding or developing the device. Maybe the British dont shart very much (another area of research for scientists?) Anyway, I need some smart minds on this.
Post Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:52 pm
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Brynjar



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 1471
Location: Rivertown
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I will buy this product when you get this going but I think the real money will be in the DLC kinda like ringtones, so you can choose who says "SHART WARNING! SHART WARNING!". Some people would like Jamie Lee Curtis while others could have Funkmaster Flex drop a bomb before he says it.
Post Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:29 pm
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Captiv8



Joined: 25 Aug 2006
Posts: 8538
Location: Third Coast
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No, no, no. It needs to be GAP Band every time. Breakreep?
Post Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:40 pm
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Sage Francis
Self Fighteous


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Posts: 21573
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We toured with someone who sharted in the van once. Never toured with that sharter ever again.
Post Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:46 pm
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Disharmony



Joined: 01 Jun 2003
Posts: 3011
Location: Buried in Minnesota dirt.
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I've never sharted, but I have definitely had what I like to call the phantom shart. That's when you fart, but you swear you felt wetness bleed from your butt hole and you run to the bathroom in anticipation, only to discover your undies are clean. You eventually quit shaking once your adrenaline fades.
Post Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:15 pm
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Prontoid



Joined: 07 Aug 2002
Posts: 1609
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Disharmony wrote:
I've never sharted, but I have definitely had what I like to call the phantom shart. That's when you fart, but you swear you felt wetness bleed from your butt hole and you run to the bathroom in anticipation, only to discover your undies are clean. You eventually quit shaking once your adrenaline fades.


it is possible to shart and not stain your undies, it depends on the aggressiveness of the shart which is influenced by a number of variables..its more likely its a kind of internal shart where it probably has stained the inner linings of your crack however hasn't actually made it to the pantal region...

moral of this observation is if you think you've done it, you probably have, if you can't see it? maybe just wipe anyway to be on the safe side.
Post Mon May 07, 2012 2:10 am
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zagadka
DARK PAST HAVER


Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 4932
Location: Hous of Gaga
 Reply with quote  

Prontoid wrote:
Disharmony wrote:
I've never sharted, but I have definitely had what I like to call the phantom shart. That's when you fart, but you swear you felt wetness bleed from your butt hole and you run to the bathroom in anticipation, only to discover your undies are clean. You eventually quit shaking once your adrenaline fades.


it is possible to shart and not stain your undies, it depends on the aggressiveness of the shart which is influenced by a number of variables..its more likely its a kind of internal shart where it probably has stained the inner linings of your crack however hasn't actually made it to the pantal region...


Yes, let us not forget the importance of the degree at which your butt hole is situated when the shart has been engaged. Then, of course we must discuss the viscosity of the shart material itself in relation to the speed and force that is behind it. There are so many variables when it comes to soiling or not soiling your undergarments.

With this said, it is always wise to carry a spare with you at all times. That is, until the Shart Alarm has been created and released to the masses and available at fine drug stores nationwide.
Post Mon May 07, 2012 8:59 am
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anomaly
Loserface


Joined: 22 May 2008
Posts: 2578
Location: DFW, TX
 Reply with quote  

Sage Francis wrote:
We toured with someone who sharted in the van once. Never toured with that sharter ever again.


WHO SHARTEEEEEEEEEED?! Was it that sucker, Sean Daley? Did he pucker those cheeks after spilling ass-gravy?


Slug talks about shits a lot. Already heard his story about sticking his hand down the toilet to slam dunk a turd and send it home.

I'm 37.53% sure it was Slug.
Post Mon May 07, 2012 9:07 am
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Mark in Minnesota



Joined: 02 Jan 2004
Posts: 2007
Location: Saint Louis Park, MN
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I'm concerned that the invasive nature of a device like this might increase the chances of the very event it's supposed to prevent.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Probe_effect
Post Mon May 07, 2012 11:39 am
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jakethesnake
guy who cried about wrestling being real


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 6311
Location: airstrip one
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Post Mon May 07, 2012 4:07 pm
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Plum Puddin'



Joined: 26 May 2008
Posts: 1821
Location: Run Ebola, Run.
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As long as we still have enough scientists to make sure i can still get a boner at 97 years old, im ok with this.

I'll have no need for electronic undies though as i'll be shitting my pants daily like a champ then anyway.

With a smelly old boner.
Post Tue May 08, 2012 12:22 am
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Captiv8



Joined: 25 Aug 2006
Posts: 8538
Location: Third Coast
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I think this is an overestimation of the shart market. What percentage of people shart so frequently that they need a detection device? This is no Chia Pet.
Post Tue May 08, 2012 6:10 am
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redball



Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 6871
Location: Northern New Jersey
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I propose that you add a feature to your Shart Alert (also, I propose it be renamed Shart Guard 3000) to emit a low voltage electrical current directly to the sphincter in case of impending shart. The intended effect of this is to force the sphincter to contract for long enough to allow the would-be-sharter to locate a toilet, preferably a functional one.

With that said, I have contacted my scientist friends and requested their advice. Preliminary feedback is that this will require extensive testing to configure shart monitoring, and that you should begin this testing as soon as possible. The recommended course of action is thus:

Store Your Shart Poop - When you believe you have sharted the chemical makeup of your remaining poop is vitally important. You should store that poop in a sealed plastic bag under stable conditions, such as inside the vegetable drawer of your refrigerator. The sample should include both a swab of the shart off your underwear - or wherever it may have landed, use a clean Q-tip - and the entirety of your next defecation.

Capture Your Gas - Alternatively, you will also need to collect samples of your flatulence. The recommended method for this is to immerse yourself in a tub of water immediately after sharting. Arrange to have a flatus capturing vessel inside this tub. (For ideas on this rig please see Mythbusters episode 48, "Franklin's Kite".) Seal and store the container in a controlled environment. Flatus are thought to be more shelf-stable, so you can leave these in your pantry.

Please begin immediately. You will need this research during your patent approval process. Also, remove this thread as you run the risk of someone stealing your idea.
Post Tue May 08, 2012 8:38 am
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anomaly
Loserface


Joined: 22 May 2008
Posts: 2578
Location: DFW, TX
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^^^^. Bwahahahaaaaaaa, nice
Post Tue May 08, 2012 8:42 am
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anomaly
Loserface


Joined: 22 May 2008
Posts: 2578
Location: DFW, TX
 Reply with quote  

^^^^. Bwahahahaaaaaaa, nice
Post Tue May 08, 2012 8:43 am
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