PFA have just returned home from their first national tour in support of the Prayers for Atheists EP release. 24 shows in the bag, the band has returned back home to Rhode Island more excited and inspired than when they left. For those who don’t know anything about touring, that is miraculous. I’d like to congratulate Jared Paul, Alan Hague, Cousin Tom, the new drummer Marco, and Dan Sawyer (their engineer, photographer, van man and guardian angel) on their successful excursion.
Livin’ the li(f)e! Looks fun, don’t it? You may see the freedom of the road and non-stop rock and roll. All I can see is work, sweat, sleepless nights and relentless desert heat. But don’t mind me, I am a jaded old man who is in no rush to get behind the wheel of a 15 passenger van for the rest of his life. However, this is the life that I’ve carved out for myself, and Jared Paul is the one of the few people who has stayed by my side and experienced it all with me. Thus begins the true point of this blog…
There are three things that Jared has pushed on me through the years:
1) Bob Dylan (thank you for that.)
2) Coffee (no thank you for that you sumbich.)
3) The Lord of the Rings trilogy (the books…NOT the movies. I repeat…not the movies.)
Let’s focus on #3. Jared Paul’s family passes down the J.R.R. Tolkien books from generation to generation like scripture. It’s serious business. Soon before the first Lord of the Rings movie hit theaters, Jared gave me all the books in hopes that I would read them before seeing the flicks. He masked the covers with black tape so that my imagination wouldn’t be influenced by the drawings. He apparently does this with all his books. What’s weird is that he decorates the cover of his writing notebook with pictures of Katie Holmes from the Dawson’s Creek era.
I started reading the first book of the 3-book series while I was touring Europe. I figured that would enhance my Shire experience. Unfortunately, I didn’t finish reading it before “The Fellowship of the Ring” hit the big screen. Not only am I a slow reader, but Tolkien has a habit of over-explaining my least favorite subject…geography.
When I returned home, Jared reluctantly joined our group of friends and attended the movie with us. I had to convince him to stay in his seat and not leave the theater when this guy popped up as one of the characters.
This was the look Jared was giving me:
Jared ultimately left the theater before the movie ended. He isn’t the only person who was offended by the movie’s bastardization of the original story, but he IS the only one I know whose balls I can bust when it comes to Lord of the Rings. Since I’m the kind of petty person who likes to find weak spots in other people and continually hit them for my own amusement, I thought I struck gold when I found this video lampooning the Lord of the Rings movies. I sent Jared an email saying, “You need to see this!” Here it is:
Jared’s email response made me laugh and I figured I would share it with the world. It reminded me of a side of Jared that I’ve always loved and more people need to know about. I apologize to Jared if he didn’t want this response to be made public, but I will keep it up until I get a cease and desist. Big ups to the hardcore Tolkien fans who continue to carry to torch. I like to imagine this email being written in a fury:
“It was very enjoyable. and i laughed. but it’s total fuckery; the only reason the eagle (or frodo and sam) were able to make it to mount doom at all was because the collected armies of Middle Earth fronted a full assault on the Towers of the Teeth after Aragorn declared himself to Sauron in the Palantir- leading Sauron to believe that Aragorn had the ring and was attempting to establish his Kingship by successfully attacking Mordor. Sauron knew that there was no way that even Aragorn could have learned how to use the One in such a short time (nor would he even have the power to wield it) but in regards to the vanity and arrogance of Man it made sense, so unlooked for, he took the bait and emptied Mordor’s forces- attacking the united armies from the west gate as well as the north… in addition to sending all remaining forces to redouble the assault at Lorian, Escargoth/the Lonely Mountain, and Isengard (and else where). The whole place was emptied and Sauron’s full attention was outside Mordor- but only up to that very moment. And there was no way to know how things would play out till exactly that time. Especially considering that Minas Morgus was still fully operational up to that point and the Nazgul were also in constant patrol over the mountains. Had the eagle been sent in earlier, it would’ve unquestionably been killed and the ring would’ve gone directly into Sauron’s control and we’d all be dead. Gandalf was a G. He was literally the only person in all of Middle Earth who could’ve pulled everything off; which is arguably the exact reason the Istari were sent from across the water over a thousand years before. (Not too MENTION that it was only under Gandalf’s orchestration that the One was found again and kept safe in the first place, or that without him Smaug (the Dragon from the Hobbit) would still have been alive and on Mordor’s side for the Great War).
The dudes from the clip look like Who Farted to anyone who loves the story (regardless of whether or not we look like D&D nerds to them), but that’s what happens when hack ass comedians think they know something about one of the greatest stories ever told just by watching some fucking shitbag Peter Jackson sacrilege. If I could go back in time, I’d slit Christopher Tolkienne’s throat before he could have ever signed over the rights. Then I’d probably cut Jackson too, just for safe keeping. Kill A Pimp For Justice.”
Ok. That’s all. I’m still giggling and I’m not sure these giggles will be shared.
Metaphors be with you,